I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize