wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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