I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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