making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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