Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
