A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.