Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
