i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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