do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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