just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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