Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
