My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
