I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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