Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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