I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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