It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
