I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize