i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
