Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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