Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
