phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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