My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
only if we run a train.
done.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
