I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
