All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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