I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
