You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
