Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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