Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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