so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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