Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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