I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
