The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
