sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
