You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
