The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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