Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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