The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
