I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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