I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
