remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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