Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
