the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
