I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
