I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
