First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
