were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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