i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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