I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
