I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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