Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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