He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
