Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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