Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
