So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
