i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
