He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
